Please sir, could I have some respect?

Margaret Atwood's Testaments and male violence

Trigger Warning: sexual assault, rape

Definition of misogyny

: hatred of, aversion to, or prejudice against women

As I'm certain was intended by the author of Testaments, Margaret Atwood, the parallels between the reality for the female characters in Gilead and real women in our world today are striking. Some of the novel's quotes are almost laughable at how ridiculous they seem upon first read, but at the same time, they're deeply disturbing since a lot of them really ring true outside of this fictional realm.

For anyone not familiar with the universe, Gilead women are divided into several categories such as the Wives, Econowives (the poorer versions of the Wives), Aunts, Marthas, and Handmaids. To use one example, all are made to wear long skirts and dresses down to the ankle so as not to “entice” men into committing sexually violent acts towards them, i.e. They live in a culture rife with victim-blaming. Sound familiar?

Another section of the book that was pretty unsettling *spoiler alert* was the chapter in which Agnes, a character whose story we follow from girl to young woman, goes to visit the dentist, a highly respected and valued individual in society, also the father of her school friend. As a child approaching her teen years, she goes for her bi-annual check-up and the dentist sexually assaults her in front of his assistant. Too afraid to be blamed for the assault or bring shame on such a valued and respected member of society as well as her friend's father, Agnes tells no one. The dentist gets away with his crime safe in the knowledge that he holds an untouchable status, and despite the fact there was a bystander present. Naturally, I found this chapter unsettling because it reminded me of so many real-life stories where this same thing happens to women and girls all over the world, where male perpetrators commit traumatising acts against women, men and non-binary people alike, sometimes in the presence of others, and face no consequences whatsoever.

In the same week that we see International Women's Day, we also have the results of a UN Women UK survey which found that 97% of women aged 18-24 in the UK have been sexually harassed. Shocking though this may seem, like many of my close friends, I'm honestly surprised that this figure wasn't 100%. Following this, we learn of the tragic disappearance, abduction, and subsequent death of Sarah Everard, a London-based 33-year-old woman who was making her way home from a friend's house in the evening. The believed perpetrator? A serving policeman, or who would classically be viewed as a highly valued and respected member of society. Naturally, questions have since been raised over how women are meant to feel safe travelling alone when not even the members of society whose role it is to protect their citizens can be trusted. This deeply saddening event has since led to a nationwide conversation discussing how women should be able to feel safe while travelling alone, and how our current society's tendency is to try to change women's behaviour rather than focusing on what we can do to stop men from committing violent and misogynistic acts towards them in the first place.

I'm sure that many men who have come across this collective conversation have easily been able to gloss over it or even meet it with an eye-roll about how women are so quick to lump all men into one bracket, or even fire out the “not all men” narrative. Others may not count themselves part of the discussion, believing that because they would never assault a random woman on the street means that they are exempt from actively contributing to addressing and correcting harmful behaviours. Although it is true that not all men exert violence and disrespect towards their female peers, it is true that most violent acts towards women, men, and non-binary individuals alike are committed by men. Chances are that if you think these types of people are just a fact of life, that regularly taking precautions for your personal safety isn't your norm.

The whole point of this discussion is to point out that these collective and prejudiced attitudes are cultivated from a young age. We are shaped from childhood by a society that allows misogyny to prevail. Although it shouldn't have to be a fight in the first place, advocating for equality across all genders requires a collective effort, no matter how much you feel you don't participate in the problem. This means pointing out casual sexism or disrespect when you see it, and not dismissing your peers who point it out to you. Harmful stereotypes and prejudices contribute to attitudes, which in turn, contribute to behaviours.

We shouldn't have to constantly fight for and demand to be respected to the same standard that men are, but it is our reality. We cannot reach that standard on our own and we need the help of our male peers to achieve this. If you believe that everyone should be equally respected and valued in society, demonstrate this in your everyday life and stand up for what's right.

 •••••

Below are some examples of harmful behaviours to avoid that should be called out and corrected. Some will seem fairly obvious and some may seem more trivial. Keep your mind open and allow yourself to learn:

Cat-calling, wolf whistling (from moving vehicles or not).

Groping

Slut-shaming

Use of sexist stereotypes even if meant as a joke eg. women are bad drivers, women belong in the kitchen (faux pas of the year award goes to Burger King), women are physically weak, women overthink/overreact to everything. Even if you genuinely mean no harm, it still contributes to an unhealthy misogynistic culture.

Use of derogatory or objectifying language to refer to women in general eg. bitches, sluts, hoes, discussing our bodies as objects, sexual conquests, making bets on/games out of who can sleep with the most people, making rape jokes.

Defaulting to dismissing friends, colleagues, or even strangers when they try to raise concerns about experiences of sexual harassment/rape/any type of unwanted or non-consensual sexual attention. Listen and believe. An extremely small percentage of rape accusations are deemed false.

Telling women (or indeed anyone) to smile, namely when we're at work. This one may seem trivial, but the implication is that it would make it more pleasant for them to look at you while you're just getting on with your day/job which feels gross.

Assuming that making comments on a stranger's physical appearance is a compliment they will enjoy. Some people may not mind, but a lot of people find it uncomfortable, so it's better to just avoid it.

Being persistent with someone who has made it clear they are not interested. No means no.

Turning nasty when someone makes it clear they aren't interested.